Christmas with the Kaibas
by St. Araqiel
Summary: Kaiba, Mokuba, Ishizu and Mini Blue-Eyes White Dragon are preparing for Christmas. Unfortunately, Kaiba's lack of holiday spirit, a fanatical cleric and Santa's untimely demise threaten to ruin it.


Seto Kaiba walked through his office, impatiently waiting to get to leave. Once he heard the clock chime one o'clock, he busted out the door. It was three days until Christmas, and his employees were hoping he would let them go early during this time. Boy, were they wrong.

An employee came up to him and said, "Mr. Kaiba, I thought we could go early."

"Well, you're not gonna," sneered Kaiba, "and if you don't move it, I'll make you and everyone else here work on Christmas Day, spend some quality time in their cubicles."

"B-But what about our holiday bonuses, at least?"

"Oh yes. Your bonuses." Here you go. Let this be a message to everyone how I feel about the holidays."

The man eagerly opened the envelope. Inside rested a $100 bill. "That's it?" he complained. "I get paid more during regular hours!"

"Well..._TOO BAD!_ IN FACT, YOU'VE PISSED ME OFF SO MUCH, I DON'T THINK YOU DESERVE IT! BUT SINCE IT _IS_ CHRISTMAS WEEK, I'LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING." Kaiba snatched the bill and replaced it with a measly $20. "Happy holidays," he mocked and burped in the guy's face. "I'm leaving early, since _EVERYBODY_ seems to have bugs crawling up their asses!"

Kaiba was heading for his car when he was intercepted by a Salvation Army charity worker. "Kind rich sir, will you have a heart to spend some money for charity?"

The duster-clad CEO scoffed in disgust. "I don't give donations to religious charities," he stiffly responded. "Get your Sanitation Army ass out of my way before I take that kettle and make you eat it."

Holding the aforementioned Christmas kettle out, the unfazed Salvationist soldier politely amended, "_Salvation_ Army, sir."

"I wouldn't waste a tenth of a penny on you people." Kaiba stepped around the fellow and opened the front passenger-side door, intending to scoot into the driver's seat before the charity worker could go around to that side. He'd learned from experience that in their attempts to solicit alms, such people could be as resolute as Islamist suicide bombers, and had bribed quite a few judges, lawyers and district attorneys or made "unrefusable offers" in order to avoid the lawsuits that inevitably resulted when he retaliated with violence.

"But sir, think of the poor and needy," said the man, placing himself back between Kaiba and his car.

"I don't give a damn about _your _poor and needy. Let them get STDs and die and eliminate the surplus population."

"But—"

Kaiba seized the guy by the neck. "GOODBYE! HAVE A HOLLY, JOLLY CHRISTMAS, ASSHOLE!" He tossed the Salvationist over the edge of the parking building.

"AAAAAH—" SPLAT!

Kaiba grinned to himself. "Another day, another loser in crutches. LOOOOSER!"

* * *

Ishizu grinned to herself as she slid down the ladder from the sixty-foot artificial Christmas tree. "Another day, another ornament on the tree. Merry Christmas."

MBEWD nodded, happily flapping his wings. "This'll be the best Christmas we've ever had. Hey, where's Anubis?"

Ishizu thought a second. "I think he's getting the wreath."

Suddenly, they heard a bloodcurdling scream.

Anubis ran into the room and began dashing around in circles, the wreath around his neck. "GET IT OFF ME! GET IT OFF ME!" He lost his balance and started rolling towards the tree.

With all her might, Ishizu pushed him out of the way. She winced as she heard him crash into something.

"I think I'll make cookies instead..." groaned Anubis.

A car drove up into the driveway.

MBEWD looked up, tail swishing curiously. "Boss is home!"

"So soon?" asked Ishizu.

Kaiba came in, gave Ishizu a hug and a kiss, and slumped on the couch. "Work was murder. I guess the holidays make stuff tougher, so I came home early."

Ishizu asked, "I thought you were gonna work longer. And since Blue is here, who's handling business?"

"Uh...no one. But the staff can take care of themselves."

Back at KaibaCorp, the workers were throwing a Christmas party. One woman even spray-painted the place.

"Brrr, it is nipply—er, nippy outside," chuckled Kaiba. "Heh heh, did I say 'nipple?'"

Shiny said, "It should snow heavily tomorrow."

"All right!" Blue cheered. His eyes narrowed. "Wait a sec. I just remembered...boss, isn't our tree stolen?"

Kaiba snorted. "Of course not. I took it. _Taking _is getting something without being seen not paying. _Stealing _is acquiring something, but getting caught. _Capisce?_"

"What?"

Kaiba sighed irritably. "Do you understand?"

"Everything but '_capisce._'"

* * *

Later, at midnight, MBEWD thought of tomorrow. _Only two more days 'til Christmas. I'm so excited!_ Then he woke up. Not that he'd been sleeping, but he became aware of something. _I FORGOT TO GET BOSS A PRESENT!_ Blue leaped out of bed and flew to the nearest Best Buy. He waited five hours for it to open. It was so long, he slept in a shopping cart. When he awoke, he saw the lights on and heard a rumbling sound. He knew it was hundreds of desperate people about to do some last-day Christmas purchasing. He quickly flew into the store. _Where is it?_ he thought to himself. MBEWD started hyperventilating. He flew down the aisles when he found it. "Yes!" Blue cheered. The item he bought was _Company_ by Max Barry. He asked an employee to wrap it for him.

Seven hours later, MBEWD got out of bed. He flew downstairs. "It's Christmas! It's Christmas!" When he got down, he expected everyone else to be there, but they weren't. "Ishizu! It's Christmas! Why aren't we opening presents?"

"Blue, you forgot. It's still two days away."

"NO! THAT CAN'T BE RIGHT! YOU'RE WRONG! IT'S THE 25TH!"

Kaiba went, "NO! IT'S CHRISTMAS ALREADY? I HATE CHRISTMAS! I HATE IT! I WANNA THROW UP!"

Ishizu screamed very loudly, "SHUT UUUUUUP!"

"Eh?" was all Kaiba could say, still covering his ears.

"It's December 23rd. Now calm down."

Kaiba sat down in relief. "Whew. False alarm."

MBEWD looked around the room. "Where are Anubis and Shiny?"

"Anubis went to spread holiday cheer. Shiny went with him so he wouldn't hurt himself."

Anubis skipped along the sidewalk, throwing holly all over the place. "Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! Heeheeheeheehee!"

"A-Man, watch out for that rental car!" warned Shiny.

Anubis turned to see a Lincoln Town Car with Avis markings racing right at him. "AAAHH!" The muscular Lord of the Dead just leaped out of the way, dodging cars expertly, not hearing Shiny shouting, "Fucking Europeans!" after the disappearing vehicle. He made it to the end of the street and hollered, "The Spirit of Christmas has saved—" HRRRRRNN! A bus honked at him, but Anubis was hit. There was an explosion.

Back at the Kaiba residence, MBEWD was so scared by it, he farted White Lightning to the North pole. There, St. Nick himself was practicing flying the sleigh. When he saw the blast hurtling towards him, he shouted, "Ho-ho-holy shit!" Santa Claus burst into flame and fell over.

MBEWD heard the cry and muttered softly, "This is gonna cost me."

Kaiba exclaimed, "Oh my God, you killed Santa Claus! Hooray!"

Ishizu brought out her whip. "_Setoooo!_"

"Sorry, but I hate him. All he did is give stuff to little kids who didn't kill their stepfathers and take over said stepfathers' multinational corporations."

"What on Earth does _Gozaburo_ have to do with this?"

"Um...nothing."

DING-DONG!

Ishizu grinned. "Must be our first Christmas guest." She answered the door and was surprised to see a young green-haired kid standing there. "Um...Seto? Do you know this guy?" She stepped aside so Kaiba could see the visitor.

Kaiba wanted to have a heart attack. "H-H-Hubba...bwa-hubba-hobba..."

Mokuba sauntered out from behind his brother and whooped. "HEY, NOA!"

"Hi, Mokuba! Merry Christmas!" Noa answered, then turned to the shocked Kaiba. "_Hello_, Seto."

"Nice...to...see you," muttered Kaiba through gritted teeth. At last, he snapped and pummeled his most despised stepbrother with questions. "What are you doing here? And who the _hell_ invited you?"

"I'm here," said Noa, motioning to the crutches-clutching Anubis, "on _his_ invitation."

Kaiba turned on the battered blond god, who flinched. "ANUBIIIIIIIS! WHAT THE—WHAT THE—WHAT THE—WHAT THE—YAAAAAHH!" He ran for the tool shed, took a hatchet and chopped down a tree in rage. "Take this, you goddamn Douglas fir!" he screamed at it, wishing it was Noa. "No! HE'S OVER THERE!" He attacked a neighbor's tree. Unfortunately, this one was lit with Christmas lights. With his hatchet, Kaiba severed a wire and bit into it.

"Oh good grief, what an idiot," sighed MBESD, listening to Kaiba's demented screams.

"C'MON! IS THAT ALL YOU GOT?"

MBEWD yelled, "Do you see any sparks, boss?"

"Yes!"

"Bite 'em!"

BZZZZZZT!

"YEEOWWWWWW!"

Noa fell over, laughing with tears streaming from his eyes.

"Blue, why'd you tell him to do that?" asked Ishizu.

"Because I wanted to see what would happen. Kind of obvious, don't you think?" MBEWD replied with a big grin.

"No, as a matter of fact."

"MERRY CHRISTMAS, BOSS!"

"I-I-I-I'll g-geeet y-youuuuuu foooooor thisss, B-B-B-Bluuuue!"

Anubis commented, "Ooh, pretty colors."

Noa actually asphyxiated himself from laughing. "HAHAHAHAHAHA! OH MY GOD! HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!" Fortunately, Mokuba brought out some portable defibrillators. "Clear!" POOMF! A huge electric discharge brought Noa back to life.

MBEWD grabbed the things. "Gimme those!" He ran to his boss. "Here!" He pressed the machines to Kaiba's chest. "Clear!"

"YEEEE!"

Anubis grabbed them and held them up to his butt. "Um, clear!" POOMF! The shock caused him to release a _huge_ fart. "Oh my," he exclaimed.

"'Nubis! Get your stinky ass in here!"

"Coming, Seth!"

* * *

MBEWD presented his homemade eggnog. "I guess this is an adult Christmas—"

Kaiba winked hintingly at Ishizu.

"—So I'm gonna spike it up a bit." The eccentric miniature dragon poured some alcoholic drinking mix. "I suggest drinking, er, two glasses at most."

Noa's face lit up. "Eggnog! I'm parched!" He took a glass and filled it with eggnog. "Bottoms up!" GLUG GLUG GLUG GLUG GLUG GLUG GLUG!

"Okay, that's...HOLY SMOKES! Did he just drink FIVE glasses?"

URP! "Yep. I sure did."

Kaiba drank six entire glasses of the stuff. "Hah! I'm more man than you, Noa." He smacked his lips together and frowned. "Blue, this tastes funny. Are you sure you put in alcoholic mix?"

MBEWD's eye twitched with mild worry, but he replied, "I'll check. Try shaking it up to really get the tang." MBEWD read the bottle. "'Paint'. Huh. 'Warning. Do not drink. Contains...'marcible?'...oh, 'mercury.' It's mercury, guys!"

"ACKTHPTHHHH!" spat Kaiba.

"BLOOOAAH!" spewed Noa.

Kaiba glared at MBEWD. "Blue, you coulda killed us, dumbass!"

"I thought it was the planet. I doubted it at first, but y'know, the government has ways of putting planets into cans. They can do it! I've seen them! Why do you think there's plutonium, neptunium and uranium? Hell, they have Americium, so we're probably not even on Earth! We're in some sort of chemical!"

"Blue, you're lucky nobody else drank this, or we'd have all died, infected with heavy metal."

MBEWD suddenly grabbed a piece of lead and stabbed everyone with it.

"OW!"

"_Now_ everyone's infected with heavy metal."

"Damn it, Blue! Why do you have to behave like this on Christmas Week?" Shiny hollered.

"MY BUTT HURTS!" screamed Anubis, who was running crazily in circles.

"I can't die," whined Noa. He searched his pockets. He picked up a flat container which read COKE on the front, opened it, and sniffed the stuff. "Ah, I don't know how, but this stuff helps me relax. And yet, I feel so cold, brrr."

Kaiba taunted, "Ha! Jeez, Noa, using drugs? That is low, low, man, low. Lower than your blood pressure."

"Shut up, you're a horrible Duelist."

"Is that so? Prove it."

"You're on!"

* * *

Kaiba and Noa readied their Duel Disks and drew their cards. Noa drew Mask of Impregnability, Warrior Dai Grepher, Dimension Fusion, Gift of the Mystical Elf, and Des Kangaroo.

Kaiba had Gren Maju Da Eiza, Soul Release, D.D. Warrior Lady, Black Tyranno and Paladin of White Dragon.

Kaiba tossed a company coin, called heads and won. He drew his sixth card, White Dragon Ritual.

"I'll start by setting a monster in defense position. Then I'll play two cards facedown and end my turn."

Noa smirked and drew Inaba White Rabbit. "I, too, play two facedown cards. Then I summon my Inaba White Rabbit."

"Guh!"

"That's right! Attack him, my rabbit! My cute direct-attacking bunny-wunny Inaba!"

"I've heard of loving your cards, but that is just WRONG! D'OHH!" Kaiba cried as the Rabbit hit him from behind. His life points dropped to 7300. He growled and drew his next card, a monster, Neo Bug. Seto Kaiba would be damned if he'd let Noa win. After all, _he _had the money! "First, I flip summon D.D. Warrior Lady! Whenever she attacks a monster, even if it has more attack points, it is removed from play! Target Noa's Rabbit!"

"Oh no!" Noa's eyes bugged out in terror. "Nice Lady! Don't hurt my bunny! NOOO!"

"You baby!"

"Zip it, you only have a hundred more life points than me."

"Wrongo!" retorted Kaiba. "I activate White Dragon Ritual! By sending Neo Bug to my Graveyard, I can summon Paladin of White Dragon. Attack him directly!"

"Owchies!" cried Noa. "Why on this good, green Earth did Pegasus implement pain into this rotten game?"

"I dunno, but I also swear upon my small nipples that I've never heard such complaining from a child."

Noa recoiled angrily. "CHILD? Shut up! Let's see, I have 5300 points left."

"You'll have none soon, 'cause I'll finish up by offering my Paladin as a tribute to summon Blue-Eyes White Dragon."

With a powerful roar, the hologram of Kaiba's favorite monster burst into view. Noa was livid. "No fair!"

"You're lucky, actually. Since I sacrificed Paladin of White Dragon to summon Blue-Eyes, it can't attack...for now."

Noa drew Dark Core and played it. "This card removes your Dragon from play. Plus, I summon Warrior Dai Grepher. Last but not least, I'll toss in Dimension Fusion. By paying 2000 life points, I'll take your Blue-Eyes White Dragon under my wing." His life points became 3300.

"HAHAHA!" boomed Kaiba. "Idiot, you just wasted more life points! HA HA—Oh...wait...I have no monsters in play...or trap cards..."

"You're in for a world of hurt, Seto, with emphasis on 'hurt.' White Lightning, Big Blue!"

Kaiba tried to run, but he was hit, bringing him down to 4300 points.

"Paladin of White Dragon, attack!"

"2400 now?"

Noa cackled. "And one last attack, Mr. 700."

"NOOO!" screamed Kaiba. He drew Pot of Greed. "My last chance...okay, Noa, I'll play Pot of Greed to draw 2 cards. HA HA! Card of Sanctity!" He drew five more cards. "Then I'll play this facedown and play Raigeki. Kiss your monsters' asses goodbye!"

Noa literally obeyed without a second thought.

"Magic Recovery, so I get my Raigeki back...for later. Finally, I'll set a defensive monster. End turn."

"Nothing else for me to do. A card facedown. Take it away."

Kaiba snickered. "Exchange, Cost Down, and Fusion Gate, in that order! I'll take your Master of Oz!"

"WHAAAT?" Noa screamed, sweatdropping.

"Cost Down on it, as I said, then Fusion Gate will let me summon it freely!" Kaiba yelled. "THIS DUEL IS _OVER!_ I MEAN, HOW CAN YOU STOP ME?"

"Mask of Impregnability. I take no damage. My turn. I'll set a monster in defense position and end," said Noa.

"Big mistake, stepbrother!" said Kaiba. "Raigeki on—MAN-EATER BUG?"

"There goes Master of Oz! That's it for you now. And to start my turn, I summon Petit Dragon."

"You wouldn't _dare..._"

Noa arched an eyebrow and winked. "Try me. Bite his life points to 100, would you, Petit Dragon?"

"OWW! MY BUTT!" Kaiba got back up and drew. "Please...please...oh, I knew I'd have to use this crap someday, but not so soon. Oh, well...I could use some help, Heart of the Cards."

Noa's eyes almost grew too big for their sockets. "WAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA! YOU SAID THAT SHIT? _YOU_, A _NONBELIEVER?_ OH, WAIT UNTIL KAZUKI TAKAHASHI HEARS ABOUT THIS!"

Kaiba swallowed and looked at the card he'd just drawn. "_Ulp_...Tallyho...That worked out nicely."

"WHAAAT?"

"Monster Reborn! Master of Oz attacks your Pathetic Dragon! I win!"

"ZERO? AAAHH! DADDYYYYY!" Noa whined. "I want my plushie Benjamin!"

"Leave Gozaburo out of this!" Kaiba snapped. That was when he had an epiphany...a dire, dire epiphany indeed. "Uh-oh, feeling weak...mercury poisoning..._fuuuuuuuck_..." Kaiba keeled over and died.

"Oh, poopy," stated Noa simply, before he bought the farm as well.

"AHHHHH!" screamed Anubis as he farted and died.

Mokuba threw up and exploded.

Ishizu and Shiny collapsed on top of each other.

"Oh my god! I killed Boss, Noa, Anubis, Mokuba, Ishizu and Shiny—in that order! You bastard!" yelled MBEWD to himself.

* * *

MBEWD groaned loudly. Tonight, there was a Christmas sermon at Domino Holy Christian Stuff Church. Last year was utter chaos, in no small part thanks to him.

While at the Laundromat washing Kaiba's suit, Ishizu called him on her cellphone. His phone number was 555-BIG-SHOT. When she told him about attending the sermon, he went ballistic.

"I'M NOT GOING THERE _EVER_ AGAIN! I'D JUST AS SOON GET FUCKED UP THE ASS BY AN INCUBUS!" bellowed Kaiba into the phone.

Ishizu held the receiver away from her ear and pouted. "But _why not?_"

"Because of what Blue did! I mean, I couldn't believe what happened! How could he do something like that in a church? A _church_, with me present—for the pastor to _yell at!_"

"Shush. Don't let him hear."

"What are you talkin' about?" asked Blue, listening in on another phone in the house. "Is this about the incident where I poured hot marmalade in the pastor's pants? It wasn't my fault. His pants got caught on a hook, and I had the marmalade. He tripped me accidentally and I dropped the stuff, it fell down his pants. He's the only priest I know that took the Lord's name in vain two-thousand times and said the 'F'-word three-hundred times."

Kaiba shot a glare in the direction of MBEWD's voice. "Actually, it was _your_ fault! Tinkleturd almost lost his job for that, then he had the nerve to _sue_ us!"

"That's _Dinkleburg!_" Ishizu sighed to herself. "Honestly, you love to insult people."

"I am _not_ going to church, and that's _final_, Ishizu!" He slammed the phone back on the hook. It rang again instantly. Angered, Kaiba picked it up.

"Hello, this is the Shock-to—I mean _Phone_-to-Phone survey! Answer one question, and you could win a new vacuum cleaner!"

"Not interested," said Kaiba.

"Okay then, please hang up the phone."

"Whatever," said Kaiba. He put the phone down on the hook, and got shocked. "OOOOWW! BLUE!" screamed Kaiba.

"HAHAHA!" Blue cackled from upstairs. "Merry Christmas, sucker Boss!"

* * *

"Gotta say, Blue, this eggnog is way better," Kaiba complimented.

"Yeah, this time I made sure I used real alcoholic mix."

"Y-y-y-yeeeeaahhh," slurred Noa, "Thiiiissh sssshtuuuuff is rrrreeaally g-g-goooood. Better than myyyyyy coooocaaaiinnnne. Throw it away, pleash."

MBEWD grabbed the bag and hurled it into the garbage outside. "Good riddance!"

Suddenly, a gang of homeless hippies began reaching into the can. "WOOHOO! WE HIT THE JACKPOT!"

Ishizu wobbled uneasily. "S-S-SSSShetoooo! Dooo shomethiiiing!"

"G-geeet oooff myyy laaawnnnn!" Kaiba stumbled out and discharged his 12-gauge semiautomatic shotgun into the air. The party-crashers turned and ran like heck.

Ishizu hugged her sweetie amorously. "Uuupshtaaaiiirrrsssh!"

"Alright!"

"Yeah! Hey, we're sober!"

"Let's go!" Kaiba carried Ishizu into the bedroom.

"I hope no one gets hurt!" MBESD exclaimed as he took cover beneath the couch.

Pretty soon, the house started shaking, and earsplittingly joyous screams were heard. 15 seconds later, the lights went out.

Anubis sucked his thumb in a fetal position. "I'm scared!"

Suddenly, the lovers' lovebed crashed through the ceiling. It landed in the center of the room, prompting Blue to shout, "Great googa-mooga!"

"I-I think we should...mmm...go to the...chuuurch," a satisfied Ishizu moaned, attempting to stifle a yawn.

* * *

"I. HATE. CHURCH. I mean, _really_. 'Kiss His feet. Massage them. Powder them. And then brush His teeth! And wipe His ass!'"

Everyone else slumped in their seats as Kaiba continued his rant. "'And wash His hair! And oil His skin! And blow His nose! And cut His nails! And remove His eye crust!' GOD DAMN IT! He can just kiss my—"

"Stop saying bad things about Jesus!" cried Ishizu.

"I'M _NOT!_" Kaiba snapped. "I'm _mocking_ His Holier-than-thouness Tinkleturd! Why are _you_ even going, Ishizu? You're not Christian!"

The beautiful Egyptian harpy shot daggers at her boyfriend. "True, but some of my relatives are Coptic Catholics. I used to attend church with them in Egypt."

Kaiba dismissed her words with a wave of his hand. "Whatever," he answered grumpily.

Pastor Dinkleburg was greeting his flock. "Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. God bless you. Merry Chri—" Suddenly, the man spotted an all-too-familiar mop of brown hair and the frowning face beneath it. "_Kaiba...!_"

"Father Tinkleturd." Kaiba's frown quickly became a secular smirk. "Happy holidays."

The priest gripped the crucifix around his neck until his hand vibrated and his knuckles went white. How dare this rich punk speak that Satanic phrase—to his less-rich, white, neoconservative Republican face, no less! "Unmerry Christmas, Kaiba. God damn you." _Better to give shit than to receive it, like the Lord said._

"Gee, thanks," the CEO shot back, and walked on by.

* * *

Kaiba picked his nose, flung his boogers and counted Dinkleburg's eye twitches during the first minutes of the sermon. Ishizu eyed him strangely as he said, "One-twenty-seven..."

"What are you doing?"

"Um, nothing." He turned to the priest. "One-twenty-eight..."

Noa chanted idly to himself, "Eggnog. Eggnog. Eggnog. Eggnog. Eggnog. Eggnog. Eggnog. Eggnog. Eggnog. Eggnog."

Later on, Kaiba had fallen asleep from boredom. Ishizu had finally had enough. She stood up, slapped Kaiba awake—"_Ow!_"—hauled him to his feet and addressed the priest. "Excuse us, Father." She took him to a dark corner in another room. "Why are you doing this?"

"It's not my fault church is so damn boring."

"That's another thing! Stop the language, at least for another hour!"

"All right, I'll try, Ishizu."

For most of the service, Kaiba remained silent. In half an hour, though, he started gritting his teeth, covering his ears and shutting his eyes. He counted, "ONE...TWO..._TEN!_" and jumped to his feet. "Tell me something, Father! If there's holy shit, then where the hell is the holy toilet it goes in?" He brandished a huge carton of eggnog. "Look, Noa! It's your stuff!"

"God forbid..." muttered Ishizu.

"What is this mockery, Seto Kaiba?" Dinkleburg boomed.

"I don't know. It's probably because I'M A BAD BOY!" He ran to the priest and pulled his pants down, revealing spandex tights. A churchgoer spontaneously threw up on MBEWD, who vomited White Lightning, burning down the large crucifix above the altar.

Pastor Dinkleburg wigged out. "YOU _DESTROYED_ THE _CRUCIFIX!_ THAT IS AN _OUTRAGE!_ GOD DAMN IT!" he screamed. His balding head was red with anger.

"I don't give a shit! You've been playing everyone here for fools, you cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, lowlife, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, bloodsucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fatassed, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit!" Kaiba shot back, making the sign of the inverted cross, just to further piss off the old man.

The metropolitan archbishop, Frankenfurter, entered out of nowhere. "Brother Dinkleburg, you have committed a sin by taking the Lord's name in vain, and for wearing spandex! You are hereby banished from thi—WHAT THE _FUCK?_"

The extremely over-intoxicated Noa jumped on Archbishop Frankenfurter's back and gave him an atomic wedgie. The archbishop snatched the deranged boy off him and howled, "GUARDS! _GUARRRRDS!_"

As Pastor Dinkleburg was dragged away by church security, he shouted, "I'll sue you to Hell, Kaiba! DO YOU HEAR ME? _HELL!_"

Kaiba just took away the pastor's toupee, threw it to the ground and spat and peed on it.

"Oh, that's disgusting! This isn't a _Black_ Mass!" complained Shiny.

Suddenly, the priest broke free and charged Kaiba, screaming demoniacally. The other men, whose girlfriends or wives had also dragged them here, stood up and cheered. "FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!"

Pastor Dinkleburg spin-kicked Kaiba, who responded with an eye poke.

Shaking with such rage that his mitre came loose and fell off, Archbishop Frankenfurter screamed, "These people are _POSSESSED!_ This is an affront to decency, good taste and holiness! I'm calling for an exorcist—and a _SWAT team!_"

Kaiba delivered a huge kick to the deranged priest, knocking him into the fountain and sending holy water flying everywhere. For some odd reason, the church caught fire. The crowd panicked, and mothers tucked their children under their armpits like footballs and ran out. "Save the young! We oldsters don't have much longer anyway!" A lady dropped her daughter and cried, "Sorry honey, you're on your own!"

With amazing strength, Pastor Dinkleburg tackled Kaiba through the wall into the restroom, jammed the CEO's head into a toilet and flushed until it overflowed.

Kaiba freed himself, smiling evilly despite the toilet water. "That's nothing compared to what I'm gonna do, He Who Deepthroats the Pope's Ring." He grabbed the holy man, stuck his head into an unflushed toilet and whaled it in with an aluminum bat.

Ishizu ran by, went back and paused, glaring furiously.

"VICTORY, ISHIZU! VICTORY!" cried Kaiba as he waved the bat over the unconscious holy man. His face fell when he saw the look on her face and realized what she was going to do. "NO TOUCHY—"

Ishizu flattened him with a monster haymaker, then dragged him away, swearing under her breath in Egyptian Arabic. They made it out of the chapel just before the flashover hit.

* * *

MBEWD asked, "Remember how we killed Santa by accident? We're gonna have to find a replacement."

Anubis squealed like a schoolgirl and hopped up and down. "Pick me! Pick me! Me me me me me me me me me!"

"OKAY OKAY OKAY! Anubis will be Santa!"

Shiny flew in and reported, "I apologized to the elves. Plus, I managed to contact Konami and they say they'll give us ten Rise of Destiny booster packs. Hopefully, we'll obtain Monster Reincarnation, a powerful variation of Monster Reborn."

"How so?" queried Kaiba.

"If you discard one card, you can return a monster from out of play to your hand."

"Nifty."

Suddenly, Pastor Dinkleburg, who had narrowly escaped being burned alive, jumped through a window. "Seto Kaiba, I challenge you!"

Kaiba looked incredibly shocked. Then he returned to normal. "What are you babbling about? You don't Duel!"

"Oh, yes I do! My daughter dabbles in Duel Monsters, and I play it with her. I've become an excellent Duelist in my own right," corrected the priest, who slipped on a Type-DX Duel Disk.

"Fine. I'll kick your righteous ass. I win, then you beat it and never bug me again!"

"If I win, you hand over three-fourths of your money to help rebuild the church, and give _me_ tree-fitty."

"I won't lose!" Kaiba crapped his pants involuntarily. "Good thing I wore diapers."

"Ewwww…" said MBEWD.

* * *

Kaiba drew from his deck. He had Blessings of the Nile, Giga Gagagigo, Gagagigo, Gogiga Gagagigo and Spell Shield Type-8.

The pastor drew Spirit of the Harp, Graceful Charity, Guardian Angel Joan, Archlord Zerato and Fairy of the Spring. He started things off. "I set a monster in defense position. Achoo! Bless me. I also play Graceful Charity. I draw three cards and discard two." He drew Goddess with the Third Eye, Dust Tornado and Sanctuary in the Sky, then discarded Joan and Fairy. "Then I'll play this facedown. My turn is over."

Kaiba drew Pot of Greed. "I summon Archfiend Soldier and play one card facedown. I will also play Pot of Greed, so I draw two cards." They were Crush Card and Agido. "Another card facedown."

"Praise the Lord!" burped Dinkleburg. "I draw…this! Pot of Greed. I'll draw two—"

"I _KNOW_ WHAT IT DOES! I JUST _USED_ IT!" yelled Kaiba obnoxiously.

"As I was saying, I'll draw two cards and play Cost Down to set this monster in defense position. One card facedown. End turn."

Kaiba gave his opponent the finger. "I draw."

"Pyro Clock of Destiny," smugly announced Pastor Dinkleburg.

"Shit!"

"Language."

"SHADDUP!"

"Reveal my card, Sanctuary in the Sky! I summon Archlord Zerato and attack!"

"Activate—"

The pietistic asphalt cowboy interrupted him. "You activate _nothing!_ Reveal Dust Tornado!"

Kaiba's trap, whatever it was, was blown away.

MBEWD fussed, "Hurry up, boss! Beat 'im!"

"I'm not gonna beat him, I'll _shoot_ him." Kaiba drew his Desert Eagle on the holy man and opened fire. "_Sold is the gun of Israel!_" He kept missing because of the recoil.

Pastor Dinkleburg taunted, "Hey Kaiba!"

Kaiba kept his gun pointed at the man, who aimed his exposed fly at the CEO's favorite Ferrari Sexmobile QT. He fired wildly as Dinkleburg urinated happily all over the interior.

The pastor leaped away, narrowly avoiding the .357 Magnum slugs that whizzed over his head.

"YOU SON OF A BITCH!" Kaiba cried, digging through his firearms locker for a rifle. Angrily, he pursued, firing the pistol from the hip. "ISHIZU, I'M GONNA BE OUT FOR A WHILE!"

* * *

Father Dinkleburg changed his pants, then carefully opened the door to his house and greeted his family.

"Daddy! Merry Christmas!" squealed his kindergarten-age daughters. He hugged them and playfully raspberried his wife, Rebecca.

"I no longer have to deal with that Seto Kaiba. I'm lookin' forward to tomorrow!"

Kaiba listened to the Dinkleburgs singing carols as he set up the Centurion Arms Mk 12 Special Purpose Rifle. "Sniper rifle, check. Leupold AR scope, check. 77-grain ammo, check. Suppressor, check. Kiss your ass goodbye, Tinkleturd."

Inside, the priest cried, "Let's have a merry Chri—"

FWIP! FWIP FWIP FWIP FWIP FWIP! Dinkleburg tumbled and cried out as the bullets punctured his body. "GUUUUHH…kids, Becky, save yourselves…" croaked the dying pastor, his blood staining the carpet.

Rebecca soothed her hubby. "I'll call an ambulance. AAAHH!" she screamed as Kaiba leaped through the window onto the near-dead Pastor Patriclus Robertson Dinkleburg and fired three Desert Eagle shots into his back.

"Hey kids, it's safe!" Kaiba hooted.

The children reentered and screamed, seeing their monastic father's corpse.

"And you think _that_ is disturbing?" Kaiba pulled down his pants, peed on the dead body and ignited it with a diesel-soaked matchstick. Mrs. Dinkleburg fainted as he started hopping around, shouting incoherent things.

Kaiba laughed fit to make the Wicked Witch of the West piss herself as he tore off on his black Suzuki Intruder M800, duster flapping in the wind. "Up yours, Dinkleburg! Up yours, God! UP YOURS, JESUS!" His stomach roared—loudly. "Huh," he deadpanned, "must be dinnertime. Ishizu's making holiday hash."

* * *

MBEWD and MBESD were prepped for the cold weather. They had checked the list twice, and during that time, MBEWD had stated, "Phineas Flagg? Anybody who's named Phineas must be insubordinate."

"So put him on the 'Insubordinate' list," teased Shiny.

Anubis yodled like an idiot, "I'm REAAAAAAADY!"

"If it ain't Anubis Claus!" greeted Kaiba.

"Um, yeah, uh, Seth." Anubis fished around in the sack of gifts. You're in the Very Naughty section on the Naughty list. So…here ya go." He handed Kaiba a lump of coal.

"Grrrrrr..."

Ishizu called, "Dinnertime, gang!" Obviously, she didn't want them fighting, since the casserole had taken so long to coddle.

MBEWD did the blessing. Kaiba rolled his eyes as he put his hands together.

"O Lord, we thank you for this meal you've brought. We accept your altruism. Thank you for creating…" Blue went on and on until Kaiba pounded the table and hollered, "GOD'S! NEAT! LET'S! EAT!"

_Boys will be boys…unfortunately_, thought Ishizu. "Elbows off the table, please, Anubis!"

"Okay." He took his elbows off and pecked at his meal like a chicken.

* * *

After they washed the dishes, Kaiba said, "May we, Ishizu baby?" whilst moving his eyebrows up and down rapidly. Immediately, she jumped into his arms. MBEWD took that as a cue to leave, as the house began shaking tremendously.

"Oh boy, I'm so excited," squealed Anubis as he put on his little Santa hat. "Main engines are go! Off into the black yonder! For Christmas!" Anubis turned the sleigh's keys, but nothing happened. "Uh…it floods sometimes." They waited for a few seconds. It wouldn't start. "OH, COME ON, YOU!" Anubis complained as he kicked the thing in the back. It exploded to life and rocketed off with Anubis hanging on for dear life. "MOMMY! I'M SCARED! I'M AFRAID O' HEIGHTS!"

"Man, this thing goes fast, even without the reindeer!" commented Shiny.

"I agree," said Blue as he pulled Anubis into the seat. "It's midnight, so we have six hours to deliver these presents."

"How should we do it?" Shiny asked.

"Let's start with the one we're above, dummy! Then we go alphabetically."

"D'oh!" said Anubis.

"No, let's just go as they come," suggested MBESD.

"Sounds good t'me," MBEWD concurred.

They flew all over the country, then moved on to Canada. After that, they visited the entire former Soviet Union. In a few minutes, they worked on Japan. Suddenly, they all got hungry.

"I smell sushi," MBEWD announced. "Let's buy some food!"

"We don't have any yen!" Shiny pointed out.

Suddenly, one-hundred-million yen magically appeared in the cockpit.

"Wow! I love this thing!" Blue exclaimed, grinning from ear to ear.

They went to a restaurant and ordered three of everything on the menu.

"Uh, guys?" Anubis asked, holding up a roll. "What're these?"

"Gee, I dunno…THEY'RE SUSHI! DUH!" exclaimed MBESD.

After having some green tea ice cream, they paid with the yen—_all_ of it. The surprised waiter looked at them and the money.

"_Keep the change_," said MBEWD in Japanese. "_Meri Kurisimasu!_"

The trio finished Japan and airdropped presents to 20 different nations, including the Congo and Somalia.

They looked for more food in Mogadishu. "Nothing big enough."

"Stale Corn Flakes are in the back, but I don't recom—"

Anubis jumped into the back and began esuriently munching on the food.

Next, in Iraq, they got fired at over Nineveh. Fortunately, the sleigh's shield protected them.

"WE KNOW IF YOU'VE BEEN NAUGHTY OR IF YOU'VE BEEN NIIIIIICE!" screamed MBEWD at the silhouettes far below.

"They're not being naughty, they're trying to kill us!" corrected Shiny.

"Find a happy place. Find a happy place. Find a happy place!" Anubis whimpered from his fetal position on the floor.

MBESD thought up a plan. "Let's paradrop the gifts."

"What if they shoot some?" asked MBEWD.

"Their funeral."

"Okilly-dokilly, then. We must deliver these presents to the Iraqi kids—and the U.S. soldiers, even if I didn't vote for Bush."

"You're not allowed to vote _at all_," Shiny said in confusion.

"I know, but I did anyway. I hacked into the voting system," MBEWD answered.

23mm flak erupted all around them. A piece of shrapnel impacted Anubis in his posterior. "OW! THEY GOT ME!"

"Hey, we're dragons, we don't need parachutes!" MBEWD remembered. "Let's go! Bye, A-Man, you're on your own."

"BUT MY BUTT STILL HURTS!" Anubis used his parachute and abandoned sleigh. Unfortunately, it failed to open. "MOMMY!"

Combatants on the ground—American troops, Iraqi soldiers and police, nationalist insurgents, Al-Qaeda in Iraq bandits and Shia, Sunni and Christian militiamen alike—pointed at the falling Egyptian deity. "A bomb! Take cover!"

"That ain't no bomb, man! That's some dude!"

"He's still gonna explode when he hits!"

Suddenly, everyone forgot about the war. Instead, they focused on saving their asses. People dropped their weapons and ran like there was no tomorrow.

KA-BOOM! PFFFFF! A funky hurricane wind K.O.'d everyone in the immediate area. An hour later, the soldiers awoke and saw MBEWD and MBESD resting on a destroyed T-72 tank. Nearby, a Navy corpsman was removing the shrapnel from Anubis' rear end. Blue spoke to the Americans while Shiny translated for the Iraqis. "This is Christmas! Go home and celebrate—or not! Not all of you celebrate Christmas. Some of you celebrate Ramadan, Chanukah—"

Shiny palmed his face and interrupted, "Coz, I'd like to remind you that there are _no Jews in this country._"

"Whatever!" Blue snapped at his intellectually-superior relative before resuming the speech. "Damn it, don't you have better things to do than kill each other? Even if this isn't a holiday for you, you can be home with your families!"

Anubis started weeping. "Beautiful…"

Back in America, Ishizu and Kaiba were naked under the covers, watching the broadcast. In the hospital, Noa watched alongside a heavily bandaged Mokuba. "_Eggnog,_" he said peacefully as Mokuba sighed and summoned a nurse.

"So let's stop all this shit with the guns and bombs and everything. Everybody..." MBEWD paused, then broke into a rendition of "A Holly Jolly Christmas," as performed by Burl Ives.

There was silence for a few seconds after he finished, then everyone cheered—except for the AQI members, who exchanged glances, then swallowed the barrels of their AK-104s and pulled the triggers.

A newscaster reported, "This is a live broadcast from Nineveh, Iraq! The war is over! Victory! Victory! Victory! But first, a message from our sponsors!"

* * *

Ishizu was waiting for MBEWD, MBESD and Anubis to return. Kaiba joined her out on the steps, along with Mokuba and a hiccuping Noa, who was hanging onto Ishizu's shoulder, as he was too drunk to stand up.

The sleigh crash-landed and caught fire, sending its three occupants scurrying into the house to douse themselves. "We did it!" Blue exclaimed as he jumped under the kitchen faucet.

"Hey, look! It's the Rise of Destiny pack!" exclaimed Mokuba. Everyone except Noa looked inside; they found the Monster Reincarnation card.

Kaiba held the card in one hand and muttered, "Well, I'll be damned."

MBEWD wrote, _Sorry we killed you, Santa. But we delivered all the presents. We even stopped the War on Terror in Iraq. I guess that's what the holiday is about, eh? The families, not the presents? I wish it was about the latter, though. Heh heh! Happy Holidays! — MBEWD_

_P.S.: Sorry 'bout your sleigh. KaibaCorp should be able to pay for it._

_P.P.S.: I'M NOT PAYING A CENT! — S. Kaiba_

_P.P.P.S.: I'm writing a check for 10,000. Don't tell! — MBEWD_

_P.P.P.P.S.: NO WAY!_

_P.P.P.P.P.S.: YES WAY!_

_P.P.P.P.P.P.S.: NO IT'S NOT!_

_P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S.: I THINK IT IS!_

_P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S.: NO IT'S NOOOOOT! NOW STOP IT OR WE'LL HAVE TO PAY TOO MUCH POSTAGE!_

_P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S.: Neither rain nor sleet nor pissed-off bosses will stop this letter from getting to you._

_.S.: This letter will never get so much as out of the house._

"I THINK HE'LL GET THE MESSAGE, OKAY?"

"Sure, sure! I'm going to pick some stuff up at work."

"Seto got run over by a—_hic—_reindeer—"

"Can it, Noa!" Bells jingled, then, sure enough, Kaiba was mowed over by the sleigh. "OW—OUCH—DAMN IT—SON OF A—YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS, SANTAAAA!"

* * *

The next morning, Kaiba woke up, surrounded by Anubis, Noa (still drunk), Mokuba, Ishizu, MBESD, MBEWD and Yugi.

"YUGI?" Kaiba grabbed the annoying Duelist extraordinaire and threw him out the window.

Yami took over and managed to yell, "I THOUGHT YOU'D APPRECIATE IT!"

"GUESS NOT, PUNK!"

"Merry Christmas, boss!"

"GIFTS!" Kaiba got a book from Blue, a holiday edition of Playboy from Shiny, a Zaborg the Thunder Monarch from Anubis and a fuzzy vibrator from Ishizu. "Thanks, you guys!" He grabbed the vibrator and carried Ishizu upstairs with him.

* * *

Ishizu held the vibrator up and put it to good use as Kaiba squeezed her lovingly. "Bottoms up, cutie!"

"OOOOOOOH! WHOA!"

"I knew you'd like it."

"Yeah, after getting hit by a reindeer, I could use a good massage. On my back, of course. Now, where were we?"

"I just love it when you speak the naked truth! Merry Christmas, you hunk!" They fell off the bed and began making out with extreme fervor.

MBEWD, MBESD, Anubis, Noa and Mokuba yelled as they ran for safety. The house shook with tremendous force, much more so than ever before as the two lovebirds showed each other just how much they cared.

MBEWD read a Richter's scale. "6.8! Boy, are they gettin' it on!"

Anubis threw a snowball at him, but instantly received a hundred more to his face.

"MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NUDE YEEEEEEAR!" Noa yodeled, and fell backwards into a snowdrift.

"Okay, enough…let's go sledding," Blue piped up.

"YEAH!"


End file.
